Defining my Romantic Rights

Ahh ok, clearly I have abandoned this Tumblr for quite some time now, but after reconnecting with C I have decided to pay it the much needed attention it deserves.

I promise to post on here instead of freaking out on the people I love. I can also bitch about the people I love so that works to.

FOR EXAMPLE:

I live with Jeff now, in his parent’s house and it’s interesting. We are able to save up money which always seems like I am the only one really contributing. ANYWHO the reason I am mad right now:

I get off work early because I am so excited to see him! (He woke me up this morning with an amazing orgasm) and I get home and the house is pitch black. He is asleep. I do not understand why he is sleeping. He isn’t working right now, he did nothing all day…why the hell is he sleeping? I go to wake him up - he asks for a some more time. I give him an hour and a half and I go to wake him up. NOTHING. He literally gets mad at me for waking him up annoyingly *(granted I was annoying but CUTE annoying) and storms off. 

UGHHHHHH

Fucking be excited for me to be home after working all day and making money for our FUCKING FUTURE!

So today is my 6 month anniversary with Jeff. An update - I am still unemployed and am now living with him in the basement of his parents house…classy. Even though I say that with disdain I am comfortable here, and truly appreciate his parents letting me into their home. Of course there are ups and downs. His mother for one, is very hard to get along with. I feel uncomfortable really doing much or interacting with them so I hide out a lot in his room. This isolation along with the fact that I still have not been able to find a decent job is causing me to have huge depression/anxiety attacks.

These attacks get me in moods where I literally believe that I am the biggest piece of worthless shit in the entire world. I get extremely insecure to the point that I convince myself that I am not good enough for him. I fight with him constantly about anything. Then I snap out of it and am fine for a couple days. I do not know what the hell is going on and I want to think that it is just a stage in my life that I will definitely grow out of. 

When I think about us, there is not one thing that I am truly unhappy with which is why I know that my mood is from something else - and I just take it out on him.

I feel terrible and I really wish I know where the hell my life was going.

SO I know I shouldn’t be like this but I am - and I need to vent.

I left for Calgary for work again - this time two months long most likely. We spent two weeks straight together which was amazing and I absolutely loved it. He helped me a lot in getting ready to leave and really was someone I could and can rely on.

Here is the problem: I am the type of person who constantly tells someone and shows someone that I love them. For example - I gave him a card the night before I left that told him how much he meant to me. He loved it.

I miss him terribly and want to talk to him all the time - he doesn’t seem to care either way.

I toldhim tonight that I require that he be a little bit more affectionate especially since I am so far away. It’s not like I can see him and feel his love - sometimes a girl needs affirmation.

He told me I want redundant affirmation since I already know how much he cares - but deep down I don’t.

I don’t know if it’s because everytime I put my heart into something and believe that the person cares - they let me down.

I don’t think I truly believe he gives a shit.

Stressing out about my work trip. This could be a two month stint or a 5 month run. I am feeling extremely emotional and super bitchy lately. Nitpicking everything. I’m growing farther and farther away from him - I don’t know why. We haven’t had sex in a week. I don’t get it. I somewhat think its me and the fact that I don’t want to get too close before I leave as I feel it’s imminent that we will break up. But lately I have been in the mood and he’s the one pushing me away. Normally I wouldnt care about a boyfriend masturbating. But when we’re not having sex - it kind of bugs me. He told me he gets off before coming to my house. Why the fuck would someone do that? Wouldn’t you want to get to your girlfriends so you can have her get you off?

I feel so inadequate with him. Problem is : I don’t think he feels that way and it’s all in my head.

I have doomed this relationship. Fuck.